Zodiac Practical Guide to Breaking Up

What do you do if roses no longer bloom in your relationship, birds have stopped singing in the gardens of your souls, Cupid has put his arrows away — and you want to break up, but for some reason can’t say it directly?

Right — make your ex leave on their own.

And how do you do that properly? The stars know.

♑ Capricorn

For her: Bad news — if Capricorn chose you as the lady of their heart, they won’t leave easily. They endure for a very long time. But even Capricorn has a boiling point.

So — exhaust them. Become flighty, inconsistent, and painfully wasteful. Spend money on everything, especially impractical nonsense, admiring each useless purchase. “Forget” your wallet at home often, and after you’ve already chosen a new top and the cashier has printed the receipt, innocently inform Capricorn of this fact. Let him pay. He’s a man, after all.

Drag him to clubs, parties, and gatherings. Once there, kiss him on the cheek, say “Sweetie, I’ll be right back,” and disappear for half an hour. When his patience snaps, casually mention that you ran into your ex and had a lovely chat.

In conversations, don’t let Capricorn get a word in. Talk nonstop — preferably nonsense. And if he dares to object, gently inform him that he’s a boring whiner and the dullest conversationalist you’ve ever met.

For him: Capricorn woman doesn’t like to stand out, though her inner world is deep and rich. Pretend you don’t notice it at all.

Make it clear you want a lively, active partner — not a gloomy gray mouse. Criticize her constantly and argue fiercely. Be uncompromising, acting as if your opinion is absolute truth, even if it’s complete nonsense.

Don’t pay for her. And dare to touch the sacred — her finances. She’ll understand she’s had enough and will simply leave — quietly, without drama.

♒ Aquarius

For her: The best way to part with Aquarius is to load them with responsibilities and nag endlessly. If he jokes, respond with a serious face, as if he’s mentally unstable or an unreasonable child. Then continue lecturing him on life.

Stop all social activity. Instead of going out with him, stay home in an old robe smelling of fried potatoes, turn on trash TV, and stare at the screen with fascination.

Block his communication with friends, complaining that he gives you too little time. When he sacrifices himself for you — make that evening the most boring one of his life. Aquarius won’t endure this long and will leave quietly — without saying goodbye.

For him: Freedom is sacred to Aquarius. Attack it mercilessly. Tell her what to eat, wear, read, think, and how to spend money. Forbid everything.

If she protests, explain that you’re a man and she must obey because she’s a woman. Within a week, you’ll forget her name.

♓ Pisces

For her: Breaking up with Pisces is easy. Though emotionally attached, they rarely fight for themselves.

To speed things up, pressure their weaknesses — indecision, softness. Mock their feelings and emotions. Irritation will grow, and one day Pisces will quietly swim away to another pond.

For him: Pisces’ sensitivity is legendary. Become rude, crude, vulgar, and emotionally numb.

Ignore her in company, flirt with other women in front of her. Even subtle hints will be enough — she’ll get hurt and disappear.

♈ Aries

For her: Aries is aggressive, dominant, and insanely jealous. Show him you’re uncontrollable, live as you wish, and don’t need his advice.

Let him suspect you have ten admirers — and he’s tenth. Cancel dates for “more important plans.” If jealousy doesn’t finish him off, he’ll leave quickly.

For him: Want Aries woman gone? Easy — routine and mediocrity.

React to her exciting plans with boredom. Stay home drinking beer and watching TV. Whine constantly. Never show masculinity.

If she asks you to hammer a nail, ruin several nails and hang the picture crooked. She’ll understand you’re useless — freedom achieved.

♉ Taurus

For her: Criticize his masculinity. Constantly.

Tell him he can’t do anything, that you have to do everything yourself — again. Dress tastelessly, become completely unsexy, and react to sex like you just swallowed a cockroach.

Taurus won’t last long and will graze in another meadow.

For him: Be rough, cold, and affectionless.

Destroy her sense of stability. Spend evenings gambling for money. Especially lose. Taurus woman will escape fast.

♊ Gemini

For her: Gemini are naturally fickle. But if you don’t want to wait — start nagging.

Demand rules, obligations, strict compliance. Gemini will decide this headache isn’t worth it and move on.

For him: Gemini hates monotony. Give it in excess.

Be boring, unsocial, dull. Burden her with emotions and obligations. Demand all her time and whine if she resists. She’ll wave goodbye soon.

♋ Cancer

For her: Cancer can be difficult to get rid of.

Dominate him, plan everything without asking, criticize constantly. Destroy the association with home and family. Stay out at night, bring questionable friends home, let chaos reign. He’ll endure — but not forever.

For him: Cancer woman needs tenderness.

Withdraw slowly. Be busy, emotionally distant. Mock marriage, family, and children. Show irritation toward kids. She won’t stay long.

♌ Leo

For her: Be more arrogant than Leo himself.

Doubt his royal qualities. Speak condescendingly. Talk in detail about ex-boyfriends and sigh nostalgically. Leo won’t tolerate disrespect — he’ll roar and vanish.

For him: Undermine her royal self-image.

No compliments. Cheap gifts. Cheap restaurants. Stinginess. Dress poorly. Lioness won’t stay with someone she’s ashamed of.

♍ Virgo

For her: Act intellectually shallow, vulgar, sloppy, loud, and crude. Virgo will reconsider quickly.

For him: Stop grooming. Dirty nails, greasy hair, lateness without apology.

Tell vulgar jokes and laugh loudly. If Virgo doesn’t recoil immediately — she’s not a real Virgo.

♎ Libra

For her: Endless complaining will destroy Libra.

Borrow money and don’t return it. Read his messages. Dig through his things. If he catches you — the relationship is over.

For him: Criticize everything she does.

No approval. Question her intelligence. Jealousy everywhere. Allow yourself everything. Start a scandal — and Libra will lock her soul behind a new password.

♏ Scorpio

For her: Breaking up with Scorpio can be dangerous.

Don’t provoke jealousy. Instead, lower his interest gradually. Agree with everything, act shallow, frigid, obsessed with brands. Scorpio will leave peacefully.

For him: Never be direct.

Become boring, stingy, self-absorbed. Brag endlessly. Start many projects and finish none. Scorpio woman will vanish fast.

♐ Sagittarius

For her: Mock his ideals. Undermine his dreams.

Show zero interest in his hobbies and his dog. Sagittarius will gallop toward the sunset.

For him: Sagittarius woman hates depressive types.

Reject her help with dramatic suffering. Criticize her optimism, appearance, friends, travels, philosophy. Make it clear she’s only good for sex — not friendship. She’ll find her ideal elsewhere.