UFO Horoscope, or What to Do with a Baby Alien

👽 A quiet, windless June evening… You’re walking alone through the forest park. Everything is peaceful, just crickets, the rustling of leaves, your own thoughts. Then — BAM! Blinding beams of light tear through the trees and pierce the night like cosmic flashlights. You freeze, duck down, and crawl forward like a stealthy intergalactic raccoon, ears tuned to the slightest sound. You inch closer to the light…

And what do you see? A spaceship. Yep. Right there, chilling in a clearing like it owns the place. Two purple aliens are poking around in the soil, doing who-knows-what with terrifying precision. You’re overwhelmed with pride — you’re witnessing it! A real UFO! You already imagine how you’ll tell your friends, how they’ll lose their minds, how you’ll be the legend of the neighborhood.

Then, just like that, the aliens vanish. Their flying saucer lifts off without a sound and disappears into the sky. You wait. Just in case. Then you rush to the landing site, buzzing with adrenaline… and freeze. Something’s moving in the grass. Something small. Something… purple.

You lean down. Oh. My. Stars. It’s a baby alien. A literal space toddler. Laughing, gurgling, reaching its weird little arms toward you.

So now the question is: What the hell do you do with an alien baby?! Let’s ask the zodiac.

♑️ Capricorn

Capricorn instantly sees opportunity. This baby is a high-value interstellar asset. Capricorn drafts a negotiation strategy: “In exchange for the child, we request blueprints for your spacecraft and one (1) galactic tech starter kit.” Cold? Maybe. Efficient? Absolutely. Capricorn doesn’t play.

♒️ Aquarius

Aquarius is already sitting cross-legged in the grass, humming and trying to channel the alien’s parents telepathically. They’ll record the baby’s sounds, analyze their waveform, and begin a makeshift communication ritual using a Bluetooth speaker, a crystal, and deep breathwork. “Just give me 72 hours,” they whisper.

♓️ Pisces

Pisces will stare wide-eyed, whisper “oh no…” and back away slowly. Then, ten minutes later, they’ll return with a blanket and some water. “I’m not touching you,” they’ll say, wrapping the baby like a sacred bundle, “but I’ll check on you every night.” The alien will probably never even notice them — but that won’t stop Pisces from writing poetry about it.

♈️ Aries

Aries isn’t here for diplomacy. They’ll immediately call the local UFO center and offer the baby up for research and possible dissection (in the name of progress, obviously). Or maybe donate it to the space museum. I mean — what a collectible! Aries moves fast, no time for sentiment.

♉️ Taurus

Taurus will scoop up the alien and take it home without hesitation. First — food, warmth, soft blankets. Once the baby is calm and well-fed, Taurus will get business-minded. “Could I… monetize this?” Before long, the baby alien is the star of an underground circus show. Because listen — you don’t find alien babies lying around every day, and Taurus knows how to turn rarity into revenue.

♊️ Gemini

Gemini will sprint to the baby without a second thought. Danger? Please. Curiosity trumps fear, always. The alien will immediately bond with Gemini’s chaotic kindness, and soon they’ll be communicating in shared gibberish. By the end of the night, Gemini will have posted 14 TikToks, renamed the baby “Zuzu”, and started a fan page.

♋️ Cancer

Cancer’s heart will explode the moment they see the tiny arms reaching up. No hesitation. They’ll cradle the alien like it’s their own, gently whispering “shh, you’re safe now.” Risk? Who cares. That baby is getting love, snuggles, and a full emotional healing arc. Within hours, the alien will be calling them Mom (or Dad, or Home-Human).

♌️ Leo

Leo sees destiny. Clearly, this baby was meant to meet them. Leo will bring it home, introduce it to the family, and begin the noble mission of raising the alien into a shining beacon of Earthly greatness. “You shall grow up to be a proper human. With taste. And drama.” The baby is renamed “Prince Vega” within minutes.

♍️ Virgo

Virgo will not touch the alien. Nope. They’ll immediately call specialists, write a formal report, and maybe collect a sterile soil sample from the landing site. That’s someone else’s department. Virgo supports scientific progress — but only after it’s been properly peer-reviewed.

♎️ Libra

Libra will not take on that kind of cosmic responsibility — are you kidding? Instead, they’ll make a lovely flyer: “Found: alien infant. Purple. Friendly. Looking for cosmic guardians.” They’ll tape it to every tree in the forest and probably leave a basket of snacks next to the baby — just in case the galactic parents come back.

♏️ Scorpio

Scorpio will freeze. Is this some kind of trap? Trojan alien baby? A psychic weapon? Their mind flashes to every sci-fi horror movie they’ve ever seen. Nope. Not touching it. But they will come back every day to observe from the shadows, document its behavior, and slowly grow emotionally attached against their will.

♐️ Sagittarius

Sagittarius is delighted. This is the kind of cosmic experience they live for. They’ll take the baby home, fully convinced that it will reveal the secrets of the universe. In return, Sagittarius will teach it the Russian alphabet, show it Google Earth, and plan a cross-country road trip. “We’ll start with Mongolia,” they say, confidently.

? And so, the universe has tested you. A child of the stars appeared in your path. What did you do? Don’t worry — there’s no wrong answer. (Unless you’re Scorpio. Then yes, there probably is.)