Zodiac Signs Lost Their Marbles

We have to give credit where it’s due — to the rapidly worsening environmental situation on planet Earth, constant stress, traffic jams, exams and finals, the approaching apocalypse of 2012, the endless stream of information coming from everywhere, technological progress, swine flu… and so on, and so on. One undeniable fact must be acknowledged — human consciousness is under serious threat!

You think you’re absolutely normal and mentally stable? Ha-ha-ha!!! (Did everyone hear my thunderous laughter?) Stop fooling yourself, my friend. No mind can withstand such pressure. If you dream at night in scenes straight out of the movie Knowing, and before any risky action you feel the urge to “save your game,” that’s a clear sign of an emerging mental disorder.

You can find out right now what fate the stars have prepared for you — just remember your zodiac sign. And keep in mind: antidepressants do not eliminate the root of the problem!

♑ Capricorn

Capricorn risks losing their mind from routine and monotony. But since monotony doesn’t actually scare Capricorn, they’ll go crazy so quietly they won’t even notice it themselves. Others will — family members especially — but any attempt to introduce variety into the life of a Capricorn or Capricorn woman will be met with hostility, as a violation of their priceless peace.

♒ Aquarius

An Aquarian mental shift can take countless forms. This sign’s consciousness is so open, so receptive, that influencing and destabilizing it is ridiculously easy. Not influencing it is much harder. And then this paranoid individual may dedicate themselves entirely to saving humanity, achieving enlightenment and spiritual bliss, or mocking the flaws of others while completely ignoring their own.

♓ Pisces

Pisces — brace yourselves. Your mental structure is fragile enough as it is, and now this. Prolonged depression is the best-case scenario. In the worst case, your connection with other worlds may evolve from friendly dream chats with extraterrestrial intelligence into daily, extended planning meetings and real-life channeling sessions — complete with voices and spirits.

But really, there’s no need to worry too much. You’ll just need to publish a book with the results of these channelings later on, and who knows — you might become the next messiah. After all, there are plenty of others already losing their grip, eager to communicate with extraterrestrial intelligence and read about humanity’s transition from material existence to a multidimensional, highly spiritual state.

♈ Aries

Sudden mood swings already characterize this wonderful sign — but when the roof really starts sliding… Aries develops a special kind of psychosis: manic-depressive. This means plunging into an unjustified low where you feel like slitting your wrists, or erupting into misanthropic rage where you want to ram everyone with your horns because they’re all idiots — and then, in the very next second, soaring into euphoric highs, a burning desire for action, the feeling that you can move mountains, joy, uplift — a full-blown fireworks show.

But don’t be fooled, dear Aries. That surge of life force? That’s a mental disorder.

♉ Taurus

Taurus will most likely go crazy over either money or women. Taurus women — over cash and men. Possibly women too, since there’s often more masculine energy in her than in many men. Turning desires into a cult, Taurus will satisfy them, satisfy them, satisfy them… And what changes, you ask? Essentially nothing. Some people around won’t even notice the difference.

♊ Gemini

Which ear is that buzzing in? Oh — it’s not buzzing. And not even mine! What was I talking about? Ah yes, Gemini.

Well then, dear ones who have Gemini in their lives — relatives, friends, sympathizers — brace yourselves. From now on, you’ll never know whether you’re talking to Gemini themselves or to one of the many personalities and sub-personalities living inside them.

You can’t trust a Gemini who’s lost their marbles — they always have multiple versions of the same story. Because the voices in their head say different things. It’s called schizophrenia.

♋ Cancer

Cancer will almost certainly team up with Pisces and dive headfirst into the occult. Drop by for a visit one day and be prepared to see Cancer completely draped in amulets, surrounded by crystal balls, skulls, candles, protective pentagrams, and Tarot cards.

You’re unlikely to leave without learning the color of your aura and discovering what future is written in the lines of your palm.

♌ Leo

“Nice to meet you — I’m the King.” Who’s that about? That’s about Leo. As you’ve already guessed, the diagnosis is megalomania. Everyone around is automatically perceived as vassals born to fulfill the whims of the king of beasts.

If someone dares not to obey, Leo genuinely doesn’t understand why and justifiably expects compliance. For such behavior, Leo risks getting smacked on the mane by his vassals, which briefly restores sanity — but give him even a little leeway, and the illness returns in full.

♍ Virgo

Virgo’s roof usually slides toward everyday matters. Virgo may go insane over cleanliness, scrubbing every corner of the house and washing hands three times with soap out of fear of catching a virus; or obsess over calorie counts and harmful substances in every product; or fixate on meticulously balancing income and expenses, suffering deeply over the latter.

It would be fine if Virgo endured all this alone for personal satisfaction — but no. Virgo inevitably involves everyone around and won’t calm down until every last brain cell has been eaten.

♎ Libra

Chronic indecision and anxiety attacks — that’s Libra. Did they turn off the iron? Did they shut the tap? What if the house explodes, the purse gets stolen, a car runs them over? Oh, how terrifying life is!

And when it comes to making an important decision — like asking the boss for a raise — Libra will agonize endlessly, arguing with themselves: do they really want it, will it work, what if it doesn’t?

They hesitate even over the simplest choices. One can only hope Libra won’t share the fate of the donkey placed between two identical piles of hay — who starved to death trying to decide which one to eat first. But that, as Vladislav Vishnevsky would say, is a story for later.

♏ Scorpio

Paranoia is Scorpio’s sister even in normal life. But when it becomes chronic, it turns into something straight out of a joke.

An elderly couple lies in bed before sleep. The woman asks:

— Did you lock the top lock?
— I did.
— And the middle one?
— I diiid.
— And the bottom one?!
— Locked…
— And the chain? Did you lock the chain?
— No, I forgot the chain.
— Well then! Come on in, folks, take whatever you want!!!

♐ Sagittarius

With Sagittarius, everything is clear. Diagnosis — claustrophobia. An obsessive fear of enclosed spaces. Poor Sagittarius has nowhere to escape in the city: wherever you turn, there are tiny cage-like apartments and the cramped spaces of an anthill.

How he longs to mount a horse and gallop into open fields, where there’s no one around — only grass, feather reed, and the moon lighting the path with its silvery glow…