Zodiac X-files

Bang! Some kind of explosion, cosmic glitch, or matrix failure happens in the Universe — and suddenly you’re gone. One second you’re sitting comfortably on your couch, watching another episode of The X-Files, and the next moment you find yourself standing in the middle of a square in a completely unfamiliar city.

Luckily, the chills from watching The X-Files kept you from undressing at home — otherwise fate would have caught you in nothing but your family underwear. Not that this comforts you much: you have no money, no documents, no belongings that could make surviving in a foreign country any easier.

So… what do you do now?!

Yes — it feels like a scene straight out of Bulgakov’s The Master and Margarita:
“I beg you, tell me — what city is this?”
“Well… Yalta.”

♑ Capricorn

For the first ten minutes, Capricorn will be in a state of total shock. When it finally wears off, logic kicks in. Something must be done.

Capricorn will assess the situation realistically, weigh all pros and cons, and calmly analyze what’s going on. Using deduction and a bit of psychological analysis, they’ll figure out which planet, which country, and which time period they’re in — and only then act. Never randomly. Never blindly.

♒ Aquarius

Still under the impression of The X-Files, Aquarius won’t be all that surprised to find themselves in a strange city among strange people giving strange looks.

They’ll sit down on the nearest bench and wait, fully convinced that Mulder and Scully are about to show up any minute, explain that this was a space-time experiment by a mad scientist, admit the situation is serious — but promise to return Aquarius safely to their beloved couch and TV.

♓ Pisces

Mystical Pisces will spend a long time trying to understand how the teleportation happened — and attempt to reverse the process using imagination, intuition, and every bit of occult knowledge they possess.

The idea of getting home by more practical means, like hitchhiking, will come to Pisces’ mind last — if at all.

♈ Aries

After staring at the surroundings in disbelief, Aries will conclude that they’ve either gone insane or suffered brain liquefaction from watching too much television.

Reassuring themselves that they didn’t drink, smoke, or consume anything suspicious, Aries decides that morning is wiser than evening. Ten hours of solid sleep should clear everything up — so they head straight to the nearest bench to sleep. Little do they know that morning sunlight won’t magically fix everything.

♉ Taurus

Once Taurus realizes this is not a dream — and that there’s not a single coin in their pocket — they accept reality. Even if they’ve lost their mind, survival comes first.

Money is needed. Rob someone? No. Taurus earns honestly. Unload some boxes here — enough for a bus ticket. Sweep floors there — and suddenly, home doesn’t seem that far away.

♊ Gemini

Gemini will rush to the first passer-by with a flood of questions — and, naturally, “What time is it?” won’t be the first one.

They’re lucky if they’re not taken for a lunatic and handed over to the authorities. Gemini’s fate will depend entirely on their communication skills — and thankfully, they have plenty. By the end of the day, Gemini will have friends, food, shelter, and invitations to stay longer.

And if they suddenly miss their couch (unlikely — new impressions are far more exciting), hitchhiking home will be effortless. Or maybe they’ll gather a whole group of new friends and bring them along to show their homeland.

♋ Cancer

Assessing the situation, Cancer will approach a kind-looking stranger — a girl, or a guy if Cancer prefers.

They’ll explain that they’re from the future, perfectly sane, and like Alice chasing the mythological melofon, searching for something important. A system failure sent them somewhere unknown, and their time machine just happens to be located at a very specific address — their real home.

Cancer will ask for help and protection, and it will be nearly impossible to refuse such a charming creature. The only danger? Falling in love — and forgetting all about the couch back home.

♌ Leo

No money. No documents. Wonderful.

The optimism of cartoon cat Matroskin — “My documents are my whiskers and tail” — won’t help Leo, even though they might be a distant relative. And “My years are my wealth” doesn’t pay the bills either.

Leo will think. And act. That’s never a problem. They will get home — no doubt about it. How exactly? Impossible to predict. Leos are far too unpredictable.

♍ Virgo

Still refusing to believe their eyes, Virgo will pinch themselves repeatedly — achieving nothing but bruises.

They won’t rush to strangers asking, “Where am I?” Instead, Virgo takes a logical path. One sign reading “Regional Clinic No. 31” is enough to understand their location. From there, getting out is easy — assuming Virgo accepts that this isn’t madness, but reality.

♎ Libra

Seeing unfamiliar buildings, unfriendly faces, and speeding cars, Libra will secretly be glad they were watching The X-Files and not The Mummy. Better a strange square than an ancient resurrected priest.

But wherever Libra is, one rule applies: hungry Libra is angry Libra. And back home, dinner is on the stove. So Libra quickly switches focus to one question — how to get home before someone eats it.

♏ Scorpio

Deep down, Scorpio has always dreamed of something like this happening.

At first, they’ll be euphoric, convinced they’ve entered a black hole, the Bermuda Triangle, or a time gate. Scorpio believes in telepathy, teleportation, and telekinesis, so they won’t think they’ve lost their mind.

Instead, they’ll explore the space they’re in with delight — walking unfamiliar streets, studying faces for signs of cosmic secrets, and subconsciously regretting they weren’t sent to another planet entirely.

♐ Sagittarius

Mystical misadventures won’t shake Sagittarius’ optimism or self-belief.

A true adventurer, Sagittarius will choose an exotic way home — hiding in a freight train car, climbing into a long-haul truck, or something equally bold. And if fate sends them somewhere unexpected — say, Baden-Baden — this lover of adventure will still find a way. Even into a flying saucer, if needed. The couch awaits.