Zodiac Signs and Funny Horoscopes

You are sick and tired of horoscopes where only encouraging features are depicted? You want to know about all sins and drawbacks of all women surrounding you? Then you read and enjoy. Start up and you will know what to do when you face nasty and bitchy nature of your girlfriend.

Capricorn
The intimate word for the Capricorn is self-control. She tries to control her emotions whilst inside her there might be giant and dangerous fire to put down. She dreams to meet a real man of her daydream and is afraid to fall to death. And this is her excessive caution that makes her do the wrong choice and she suffers later, respectively. Never anticipate wild and impetuous emotional flow from her – even if Capricorn loves you, she will do her last try to show she does not care about you. And only professional physiognomic doctor or the person who loves her deeply can melt this icy mask. Thus, if you fancy of passionate affair with all those tender words and walking in the moon – you are wrong again. At least, she can be relied upon.

Aquarius
The female Aquarius is too spontaneous, short-tempered but she easily calms down. She treats males at ease and considers them as friends rather than potential husbands-to-be. A man cannot find a better friend than a female Aquarius. She avoids strong emotions, and if you use your feelings too vigorously and show the signs of possessing her, the only thing you can see is her back. Nothing to rely on her constancy and you’d better get prepared for everything, the worse the better; at least one warned is armed.

Pisces
Female Pisces live in the world of illusions. She is too sensible, whining and she permanently suffers from the feeling she has been betrayed. The Pisces is waiting for the evidence of your feelings to her; otherwise she will eat herself up (and perhaps, you) with her permanent misgivings. But even having all the signs of love proved several times a day, she is used to them and again, everything starts from the beginning. So, the closed disc, as mathematicians would say.

Aries
Being selfish and freedom-loving, female Aries likes causing guys do things for her. She adores being worshipped and when her caprices are done. Yet, she is too fickle. While quarrelling, Aries can stamp her foot and weep until she gets what she wants. But even if you make her wishes and she admits she loves you, do not hurry to believe her words: she can instantly put you out of her mind as soon as she notices more solid and attractive male to replace you.

Taurus
You are lucky to meet the Taurus-girl? Then wait for the dramatic scenes with shouts and breaking dishes (to your head, perhaps). Never put high hopes that you can argue over her. It is hopeless to beg her pardon. You’d better admit she is right. When the steam goes away, the Taurus-girl becomes gentle and willing to talk.

Gemini
The Gemini hates being stable and she apt changing guys. If you come as her boyfriend, be ready she will flirt with your friends in front of your eyes. Even if she swears in her love to you, she will beg for freedom finally but she offers freedom for you, either. And you have nothing but accept her terms if you plan to hold her. By the way, she prefers building professional career than keeping household.

Cancer
Cancer-girl is whining and a real pain in the neck. She is faithful to the one she loves and she is willing to go to the world’s end with him. She requires the similar response from her love. But rare male agrees to have been chased by someone even if they go to the world’s end after him. When the Cancer-girl seems she is neglected, she hides in her shell and experience deep depression. She is touchy and she can take revenge if injured. Noting can be achieved when shouting at her, only caress and kindness. Tons of caress and mega-tons of love. Then and only then you can do whatever you want with her.

Leo
A lioness is ambitious and bossy. She is not about to sentimentalize with those who fail to fall to her requirements. She believes she is the core of the Universe and that only a worthy guy can come up to her. A solid and very wealthy person should be next to her. When her self-esteem is touched, she is not going to bear villain plans, but she tells in face what she thinks about persons. And when she is finished, tsunami or hurricane and any other natural disasters look just a game as compared with her furious and forceful behavior. To win the heart of this fury, an expensive present should be made as a jewel, for example, and she must be ensured she is the best of al the exes. You know, she is Goddess. Someone argues? No? That’s all right. Be brave otherwise the Lioness will go over you.

Virgo
You think only Lioness sets high standards? Virgo has claims as high as unachievable. And therefore, she is difficult to choose. However, the criteria are different with both of them. So, the Virgo is able to communicate with idlers and losers, while the Leo-girl will never turn her head to them. The Virgo is light-minded. Her favorite answer is objection. Favorite activity is criticism. So, take care of you nervous system and get more tranquilizers.

Libra
The female Libra is sure she is irresistible. She adores being in the center of the party. She considers not only men but her fans whispering in delight and applause behind her. Life for Libra is rather a game than domestic squabbles and she plays the whole life. She worships luxury and cannot stand the distasteful liabilities.

Scorpio
A Scorpio-girl is like the war field. Take care of yourself. Step carefully otherwise you will explode. It is cute to be with her, but it is too complicated. There is no golden medium about her. This is like being in condition of permanent stress and war. So, if you cannot boast with the strong nervous system and manliness, she is not for you. A crafty Scorpio girl cannot wear the mask of cute, naïve and submissive girl and essence does too much finally. And if there is something wrong about you, in her opinion, she makes your life hard. She dislikes avarice and she is – REMEMBER- very jealous! If she finds out SMS-messages from another girl, you will want to eat your mobile up.

Sagittarius
Female Sagittarius is rather manly than feminine. You want her be tender and delicate? Oh, yeah! You will have to take her as she is and never complain about her. But you will, anyway. She likes playing around with men even in your eyes, for she loves attention, no matter which one is comes from. So, keep your emotions tight if you want to hold her. However, watch out: the she-Sagittarius is not going to sit still at the party, so, take care.